Higher the rise, harder the fall

(This is an unexpected follow-up to my previous update http://butterbbbinc.blogspot.ca/2013/06/my-final-transmission-last-call.html which you should read before this one, if you haven't already)

June 19, 2013.
It seems that I am often apologizing for my blog's posts, be it the lack of finished pages, the very personal emotional rantings, the manner in which most of my blog is actually written "on the fly" on a keyboard-less phone, and of course the actual subject matter of my posts! In this case here, I will allow you, the reader, to decide if I need to apologize for this post and its content, beginning with the fact that earlier this week (or last week depending on when I get a chance to actually post this) I posted "My Final Transmission(Last Call)" update thinking it would be a few weeks before I would actually take any time whatsoever to write anything for the purpose of it being shared online. But after the disastrous piece of news my wife and I got last night (June 18th), I felt I needed to vent and explain why the FUTURE of this blog's tone may be irreparably changed. It is difficult to know where to begin, how to explain it in order, and how to make certain that all bases are covered and properly detailed as to leave as little room for interpretation as possible, made more so difficult by the emotional state I am in right now. I will ask you, my most dear readers, to please take your time to read this, and to try to do what is one of the most difficult things for any human being to do, and that is to "put yourself in my shoes". Granted I could go the way of "it's my fucking blog, I don't get paid for this shit, so I'll just post whatever the fuck I Dog Damned well please and screw whoever doesn't like or understand it", but that would not be the real essence of what I am trying to convey. So let me simply say that I will try/attempt to explain and express everything as clearly as I can, but also want you to know that my overwhelming emotions may come into play and cloud the way I would describe this situation. So let's begin by where most tales should begin: the beginning!

Over the past few months, you have noticed my ecstatic excitement at moving into our new apartment (11 days from now by my count as I write this!) and starting a new life away from the ever-decreasing quality of life that the past 13 years living in the "GOH" apartment has become. My growing impatience to leave all the negativity like the landlord and the druggie kid neighbors was added to my overflow of positivity to change, and the promise of finally having a life closer to what we originally wanted all those years ago, closer to what people like us "should" be "entitled" to. Believe me when I say that there comes a time in your life when you seek more serenity than another excuse to party. Well although enduring my idiot and emotionally retard neighbors has become harder than ever these past weeks and days (in anticipation of never having to endure them again!) , I was on a high, being so ready to move out of the slum, into the new "home", and starting a new chapter in my (our, if you count my wife!) life. We were told by the new landlord/owner of the building we are moving into that the old tenants are moving out a few days earlier, so we decided to start making plans on having the apartment repainted, seeing as how the plan is to make this new apartment a long-time home for us to enjoy a good deal number of years to come! I do hope I do not need to repeat the numerous reasons why our move is something if a major turning point in out lives right now, seeing as how I have been blogging for numerous months now about all the changes coming into effect in 2013, this long-anticipated move being one of the central points of our "new life" after numerous months/years of the ever declining quality of life we had been enduring.

Yesterday we got a call from the new landlord/owner, just as we were discussing our painting quotes and options. He wanted to know how much we were ready to invest in paint because they (the owners/landlords) were planning to sell the duplex in the near future. Now perhaps this lacks the intensity of the shock my wife and I had on that very moment. Again, I do not think there are words adequate enough to describe the myriad of emotions which came twirling at hurricane speeds at us, hitting us like a mortal manufacture crumbling upon us. Most of you may simply think the quite "so what?" response at this point, seeing as how in general cases, a change of ownership really doesn't affect the tenants all that much. But perhaps most of you are not familiar with a few key points involving such a transaction, the main legal one being that an owner of a building can kick out any tenant for the reason of repossessing the apartment in question for a direct family member, or person in charge. Yes, you read right: if the owner wants to rent out the apartment to his daughter (for example), he has every legal right to kick out the present tenants. This is one worry of ours because, as it was stated both in this post and in numerous of my past weekly updates, we were planning on making this new apartment our "home", someplace to call "home", someplace where we could start a new life for many years to come. Another factor which hits me just as strongly is that we have no clue who the next owners could actually be, and as tenants we have absolutely no say in the matter. It could be a family with a half dozen screaming kids constantly running and hitting the walls. Heck, it could be a young couple who work late and then do parties all the time. It could even be a community of druggie kids all living together to afford to pay for the house! Listen, I know it sounds like I am making a big deal out of nothing, but if you read my previous entries then you know this is going against what we were hoping for. Amongst many reasons we were also leaving the crappy apartment because of its high turnover of tenants, and moving into this new place would have assured that there would be no turnover in question, seeing as how the owners live downstairs! Please also take under consideration the concept of hostile takeovers. A company buys out the office space, comes in with their subcontractors, tears down walls, re-models, re-paints, re-organizes everything under their own specifications, without ever considering the employees who in turn, get fired when the dust settles, to be replaced by the new ownership's own help. If our new landlords would have warned us that they were planning to sell, we would have never signed the lease, and probably have went with the other apartment we turned down, the "back-up" plan as it was. This is not something you spring on possible tenants after the lease is signed, this is something which needs to be discussed and forewarned. Granted, by law, we ca stay there anywhere between 1 to 3 years hassle free before the next owners ask us to leave (or kick us out), but that means that this new apartment we have been looking forward to and anticipating for months now can not be our "home"; we can not start making long term plans seeing as how there is no guarantee we will be able to stay!

Now before anyone starts saying how we never know who the next owners could be, I will simply repeat word for word something I said to Joanna involving the concept of keeping an open mind when it comes to the turn-over of new people coming into a multi-housing facility.
" I wish to share with you what happened in October 2012: our next door tenants left early one saturday morning without warning, a saturday when J stayed over to sleep after spending an evening at F's place the Friday prior. Now with J we began thinking of what new nightmare would move next door after the tenants, and Ja said something to the extent of "you never know: it could be a nice Japanese couple who only wish to be as silent as the wind, gliding in slippers across the floors and whatnot!". J's positive thinking notwithstanding did not take under account the way things were going in the apartment for the previous years, nor did he consider the landlord. And wouldn't you know it, what ended up moving next door were those kid drug dealers, effectively proving our predictions of how things just keep on getting worse in that apartment. So by taking that experience into account, amongst others which I won't go into detail right now, let's just say that our faith in who might end up being the next owners is not very high."
Again this may be total negativity taking hold but our experience thus far only proved that "nothing" good comes out of these changes, and the fact we are powerless and have absolutely no say and no control over what the next people who will live there will be renders us more than simply mildly uncomfortable. Last night, after the phone call, my wife felt numb and had trouble breathing, as though her innards just started to clog up and stiffen. A few shots of flavored vodka helped her find the air pumping back into her lungs. As for myself, I completely and shamefully admit that I started crying. Yes, a fully grown man weeping over the unpredictable innequality of life itself and our changing presicament which turned from a wonderful opportunity into the fear of the unknown and the uncertainty of our future. For a mere couple of seconds, the thought of suicide actually raced in my mind, but I knew that wasn't an option, that I would never do that to my wife, my friends, my family. It is obvious that the first thing we did was cancel all ideas for repainting the place, seeing as how the original idea of this becomig our new home is shattered. Then we had a few drinks, myself slightly more than my wife, because at that moment, and this is something which I hadn't felt as strongly nor as intensily as last night for a long time, existance as it were proved "too much" for me to bear. Again, I wish I could find the way to explain and express in more accurate sensibilities exactly what this change actually means to us, but words and examples fail me. Shattered dreams is perhaps the closest to a universal expression which I can come up with at this time!

Most of the "dreams" we had about moving into this new apartment are gone. I guess I won't be investing in that DIY garden I have been dreaming about for ages! My wife's patio set is also an idea of the past. Then there is the whole point of unpacking. If it wasn't for the reason of space I myself wouldn't bother unpacking all the stuff we've spent the past months getting into crates and boxes. If we had space to leave stuff still packed, we would! But now we also need to keep all our boxes in preparation of the next move. This is so surreal, it is as if I have entered a mirror dimension where so much changes and yet we have no control over such things! I guess it is the old idiom of live and learn which must be adapted once again, how one can never truly believe that anything is what it seems at face value, how everything is volatile and unpredictable, and change is far from being a good thing. Even one of my earliest philosophical points has resurfaced into my mind, a though which I hadn't recalled in ages. Evil is human. Anyway, as stated in the earlier paragraphs of this little blurb of mine, you may notice my tone on these blogs will be changing as well due to this flap across the face. Unreal. It is like a nightmare which I can not awaken from. I find myself wondering what have I done to the universe to deserve this? And again you yourself may not see why it is such a big deal, even after I have attempted to explain our reasons, and even after you may have read my previous weekly updates. Now, I know that in a few months I will have to start looking yet again for apartments for our future move. Can you believe how absurd it actually sounds? Thinking about moving BEFORE actually having moved that first time around! Nothing spells defeat like knowing the place you are moving into will not be long term, will not be what you can call home. It makes it all feel worthless and futile. All our efforts, all our money spent on this move, for naught, it would seem. I must therefore pick up the pieces and try to move on. Think of Freddy Mercury's lyrics "I'll take it with a grin, I'm never giving in: on with the show!". I wouldn't have though that 2013, the year of changes, would be turning out this way. I wonder how other people do it, how do we all live in a world so unpredictable, so constantly changing and shifting; why do we pretend there is order in this universe when chaos is all that it is? It is much like placing your bets even before the cards are dealt, before the game has been decided. All I can do it try to be strong for my wife, go forth with this move, and even though I know full well that in the end it is but yet another temporary thing, I do remind myself how things could be worse. How we could still be stuck with those drug dealing kids next door who try to imitate earthquakes at 2h30am on a week"night". We could still be stuck in the crummy "GOH" apartment with crooked floors, paper thin walls, zero water pressure, orange water at that (due to old and rusty pipes which haven't been changed in a century), the landlord, and all the stuff we are saying goodbye to. This is a new life we are starting, one which is of total and utter uncertainty except knowing for certain that nothing is certain indeed! This is a test for us, yet again, a trial for our advancing age, to see if we are strong enough to take the continual curve balls that modern existence throws upon us!

Thursday the 20th of june; with only 10 days before the move and the news of the new landlord/owners wanting to sell the duplex, it is rather more difficult than usual to get up in the morning and face the daily work & challenges. However last night my wife and I discussed this is detail and we came to the following conclusion: nothing is certain. After all, for example, the landlords could just as well die in an accident, leaving the duplex to their son who then decides to party rowdy 24/7. A fire could burn down the place destroying everything. The point is that one never knows and there is nothing etched in stone, permanently (and even the concept of a stone being almost a permanent fixture, look at perpetual water currents' effects on rocky formations). The thing in our case is that we know now that where we are moving to may not be the "final" home we were dreaming about, but more like another path taken into our continual voyage through life itself. Last night we also discussed our own feelings and emotional reactions towards learning this. She (my wife) felt utter betrayal, where as I, as I mentioned yesterday, and as she herself figured out without any hint at all, feel more like having my dreams crushed (shattered is the term I used, but crushed seems fair enough as well). Ages ago our emotional reactions would have been each others; I would have reacted with anger and a sense of being backstabbed, whereas she would have reacted more with the uncontrollable tears of a deep sadness. These days , or at least for this particular instance, it seems our "roles" have switched! One of the numerous things about this situation is the concept of being on "stand by". Between 8 to 3 years ago (or so), the lousy landlord of the crummy "GOH" apartment actually did stuff for the building, like replacing doors and windows (although the people he'd hire if not done by himself managed to install some windows backwards!) which gave us the impression that he would indeed do stuff to improve the quality of life in his slummy building, and we "toughed" it out for a while, hoping for the best. Three years ago, when things started to become increasingly worse, that's when we realized we were putting our lives on stand-by, waiting for our chance to better our condition and actually start living. Of course with the decreasing quality of life since that moment, from the bad to worse neighbor situation and the crumbling state of the apartment itself, we couldn't actually feel "good" living in the apartment so our existence turned to survival. Last night it made sense when my wife said that we have put our lives on stand-by for long enough, and even though we are moving into this new place knowing it is but a temporary thing, she wants us to somehow build a temporary home for ourselves so we can live for the 1 to 3 years we'll be there. Of course I unfortunately do not share her optimism even though it makes sense, simply because I seem to be wired with the sedentary mentality of looking for security and serenity, which means that going into an apartment knowing it won't be for "the long haul" prevents me from feeling as though I should "settle in", because eventually we will all have to re-begin all over again. But all this simply proves more parts of my life philosophy based on experiences. We humans try to impose structure, law, logic, order, and stability even though the essence of the universe, of this space-time reality as we seem to have perceived it for millennia, is of chaos, destruction, disorder, and random-ness. I do not abide to the philosophies of fate, destiny, or "God has a plan", because these are, in my opinion, easy ways out of humans to accept their own responsibilities. If people "blame" how the universe unfolds on a greater power (such as a deity of sorts), it also excuses some fallacies and actions/behavior by placing responsibility into the hands of something else. The universe is like nature itself, beautiful and dangerous all at once, constantly changing and highly unpredictable. By developing forms of pattern recognition, we sometimes imagine we can "anticipate" how elements within nature will react or occur. However in the grander scheme of it all, nothing is predictable except the unpredictability of it. We try to make sense out of how nature, life, and existence unfolds, but there are no recipes, nor instructions, nor easy answers to truly explain the awesome randomness of space-time-matter-energy. "It Just Is" were the last words of Coil member and lead vocalist sang during their final performance before his demise just shy of a decade ago already. "Chaos Is And Shall Be" as the piece by Spectre on the album "The End" goes. And in the words of Killing Joke's Jaz Coleman from the final piece off the "Millenium" album, "every time we try to impose order we create chaos, we create chaos". Now I am not saying this is a new concept and that I have had an epiphany; far from it-I have believed in the unpredictability nature of existence for numerous years now, made more famous by my recurring motto of "I try to create a semblance of order in this universe of chaos" from well over a decade (if not more). However this is a reminding of the fleeting nature of life, the certainty of uncertainty, how fragile what we hold dear to us everything is. So this is what taking time off of the crunch time packing was about, why I felt like writing an addendum to the "Final Transmission" post from "last week", and why I felt like apologizing to you, dear reader, from bringing into the light yet another non-pleasant reminder of the hardships we face. Even in this cyber virtual reality, not everything can always be champagne and limousines at every single moment. Although I would prefer to simply write about the joyful and ecstatic moments of my life, report on porn and BBB sessions all the time, sometimes facing the music is what it takes to head on head first into the struggle and fight against "life" in order to keep on living. No one no where can predict anything, and there is no way to ensure security and stability. It's all about the ability to adapt to the increasing and perpetual changes. "Life isn't bliss-Life is just this: it's living".


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